MAV goes to IM

Hey people! My dear friend and one of the authors of KickAss family is joining INDImag family. Mr. Madhu requested me whether he could interview Guria on KickAss; well how could I have refused right? So here goes Mr. Madhu Rao of INDImag live on KickAss with Guria.

Welcome Aboard Guria. We have a tradition of welcoming a new member on board with our IM Anthem.

Bugles, trumpets out of bag;

Mav is joining INDImag.

Ours is the best place to be;

Welcome to INDImag family!

Claps Claps Claps.

After that amazing anthem written by me; let me welcome Guria, aka the Maverick Misfit aka Mav.

M: Welcome to INDImag Mav. How does it feel to be on the board of IM?

G: :-P Thank you Madhu. It feels great to be here. It has always been my dream to be a part of IM :-P.

M: Oh that’s great. I am honoured. But what exactly was the reason behind you wanting to be a part of IM?

G: :-P, Whenever there is a new author on board; you always welcome him/her with a wonderful welcome comment :-P. I wanted to get one too from you :-P.

M: Errrr Mav, why are you sticking out your tongue? Isn’t it rude?

G: :-P, Madhu, that’s my signature expression. I am sure you will get used to it soon.

M: You know why I wanted you to be on IM board? There are two reasons: First; apart from me, you are the only writer whose posts very few understand; most comment on our posts without understanding it and they are all praises; as they all want to play safe. Sigh!

Second – I have been curious to know; why do you call yourself Guria and not Gudia?

G: ROFL. You know, I have a few secrets. Please don’t reveal those :-P.

I do not like to use the letter D in Hindi. So I write my name as Guria instead of Gudia; I say Parai instead of Padhai (even if it changes the meaning completely), chor instead of Chhod etc. Etc. My second secret: I do not understand Hindi Genders – kya male hai and kya female hai muje nahi samaj aati hai. Mera hindi thoda si weak hai. I hope we will have to write only in English on IM. :-P

M: Ummmm, all right. That’s fine. (darn, I wish I had known it all earlier)

We at IM have a tradition to give a separate Signature to our authors:

Harsha is INDIhar; I am INDImad (for sure now; as I recruited you) and you shall be INDImav (I can’t believe I am doing this!).

Welcome aboard INDImav! Good luck (to me and IM)

PS: This is a pure work of fiction with real characters. Any resemblance to anybody is completely intentional.

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How to become famous – 10 ways

Hey people! I am sure the last post was way too sweet as per the regular standrads of KickAss; for it did not go well with the theme. But it was about 6 amazing fiction writers; and they all deserved the special mention; thus Shrikant allowed Guria to go ahead with the post. And now I have been held at gun point to write another KickAss post.

My post on Neha’s Blog was blessed with a lot of limelight due to various reasons. After almost a year of blogging; I realised that receiving 100+ comments is not a difficult task at all. In fact; it is the simple most thing to do. Just follow few simple rules:

1) Choose the topic that has some kind of discriminating factor.

2) Blog hop a lot and leave an “over the board” comment on others’ post. They are bound to visit your page after you have left many praises on their post. If the post favours them, they will praise you back and may add you in their follow list. If they hated your post, they will leave an anonymous comment.

3) Agree with your readers. But ask them questions. They will come back and reply again. The number and length of comments will keep on increasing.

4) Do not write a new post for next seven days.

5) Publish your post at all possible networking sites.

6) After three days, once the traffic starts decreasing; blog hop again, leave a nice comment, call the blog owner intelligent, leave your post link and ask for his views on it.

7) After another day, follow step two again.

8) Next day, follow step three.

9) All this while, you only keep posting anonymous comment on your post that is opposing and replying to others. Enjoy the game being played among your readers.

10) In those seven days, think about your second topic and mention it in bold and capital letters in your comment form and other social networking sites.

Do this exercise. I am sure you will get more than 100 unique hits per day. Activate Adsense and earn money. Moreover, you will be considered as one of the finest bloggers. Additionally; add all your commentors as your facebook friends. Now you are secured that they will always come back and read your post and comment out of friendship.

This is just my general observation about this strange blgoworld. I did not follow any of these rules for my post. Thus I got a very furious response for the same. My ability to understand law was questioned too. I made a mistake. I did not follow these 10 golden rules. But it is never to late.

PS: The title of this post is “inspired” by the movie – How to lose a guy in Ten days. I am specifically mentioning it here as I do not want people to accuse me of copyright infringement.

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KickAss in Demand!

Two months, three authors and one writer - KickAss is going pretty strong people! Few wonderful souls keep providing us with non-stop massala so that we can function round the clock and entertain you. Popularity does not depend on numbers here. We are popular as people (read our regular punching bag) want to join the management of KickAss.

According to that people; with him on the board, we will be a much stronger force! My my, we are not looking for "weight" here. We are only looking for scapegoats; and that "people" already qualifies here. So Mister, you are very much a part of KickAss; even if you call your male servant - maid. We do need you around sir as you are ossumly wuu huu!

People (now I am addressing all of you), if you are on facebook; you would be aware about the "Like" option there whereby you can simply click it if you find a post, a status or an application likable or amusing. but certain Mr. PB has a discriminating opinion about it. He claims that girls keep pressing the "like" button everywhere! Ummmm, our punching bag has a competition here. Why? Well, as per this PB Theory, whoever presses the like button is a girl! Do we have another set of dudettes in making guys?

But meri tragedy dekhiye! I am supposed to be the good author here - the white one; and G is the evil - the Black one and our very own Crap Master (CM) is balancing us with his Grey cells! Still people (now read Madhu) call me Neha Full of Trix. Sigh! Tell me what am I supposed to do with two of the co-authors doing nothing here. So whatever i write becomes a trick. One side I am full of Trix and the other side I am velli.

Velli reminds me that our Marshal is planning and plotting something against KickAss author/s. "My evil mind is at work" he so claims. It is going to be great for KickAss any which ways; for we are hungry for more publicity. I can even introduce Rakhi CM Sawant here if we are becoming famous. So all of you; bring it all you want to. WE WANT FAME!

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Wazz up Dudette!!!

Happy New year people! We at KickAss are a bit slow and too lazy to come up with a new post very frequently. But whenever we do, we assure you that you will for sure pray that our laziness should get extended for lifetime. At least one person after reading this post title will surely think so. And he will abandon KickAss forever after reading this post. Quite a few of you would have understood whom I am talking about. For the rest let me introduce you to Sid aka Ravan - our Hero for this post for now.

Ravan always has all the latest news and info about the happenings in the blogsphere. The latest development that happened a couple of days back was the gender change of Ms. Vipul the Marshal.

And as always; Ravan was the first one to give us this news. No wonder he is climbing the ladder of success so fast. And just look at his modesty, even though he has his own domain now; he still calls his blog the Science of Stupidity.

Sir Ravan, teach us something please!

See I am so hopeless that I can't even come up with my own lines.

And now comes the Marshal - who has an uninterrupted brain due to which he comes up with ossum (ah, I am learning a bit Ravanji) ideas for Blog-a-Ton each month. Now this time, he has come up with an image, and the blog-a-tonics have to come up with a post keeping in mind the theme of that image. Such brains are around that they came up with different kinda posts based on the egg-figure image.

If I had participated in BAT, I would have written:

77+1 True Story of a Tomato Soul

People, welcome to 25th century. I am the soul of the tomato that was used by the human egg to colour this painting. And my wife Pencil could not see this happening to me. So she sacrificed our kid - the fevicol too and applied it on the ass of this human egg. The egg got permanently stuck to that chair and she drew a line between the chair and my grave!

Warm Regards - Tomato Fida Hussain

Now do you agree Mr. Madhu why I do not participate in BAT? I am not intelligent like you guys to come up with a post on paintings. And after reading this, I guess I am going to lose my first client of the new year. Yesterday only he told me that I am going to represent him in the court of law if need be. Sigh! Stupid me.

Moreover, I am going to be sued by people whom I have given a respectful space in my post. But Please sue Ste; for he started the page - waat lagao, sabki bajao - and inspired me to come up with this write up. Do read his post. Then you will hate me less. And he has only mentioned me there. I do not have anything to do with that post of his!

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This post is about YOU!

Hello Bloggers, as promised, KickAss is here with a post on you people! Errrrrr, should i warn you guys first? OK, read this post only if you have the guts to face what most of you; or rather us are! So many times few of us have written indirect and sarcastic posts on bloggers; but we still see them coming back to us. They are slightly dumb to get the point as they fail to understand our sarcastic tone. Oh am I sounding rude? Well at least this time you have got it right. So I am hoping that you get the post too and find out (if I am so fortunate) which category you belong to and try to change (I know, I have got high hopes about you!).

One important thing I would like to add - I am not going to categorize anybody on the basis of how good or bad they write. The intentions are just to mention about those bloggers who do not preach what they practice!

Not at all wanted nutters - We all have them around us! They are usually hidden under the covers of "Anonymous" identity. You give them one opportunity, and they will attack you from all the possible angles; whether relevant or not. If your post is about how pretty the girls are or how to patao them, and the reader happens to be a gay; then he will abuse you left right center under anonymous identity! Phew, chill dude or dudette whoever; give yourself and us a break! Chill! If I have the guts to post straight things; then why are you hiding yours?Oh by the way; here at KickAss, we have a policy - we will not publish anonymous comments. So don't waste your time and our space please!

Showing off ones - You will find these people always talking about brands! No no, not about their knowledge about those brands; but what all brands they own; what cars they drive, where all they travel and how etc. etc. In short, they are the most conceited creatures around blogsphere (no offense meant Mr. Hedonist!). So people, I don't care if you own a Louis Vuitton bag or a Cross Pen, Mercedes Benz or a Ferrari (contact me if you own this car; I am ready to be adopted); but do not disclose such things on your blog! Nobody is interested in reading those things.

Crazy for Comments - These people will die of a shock if there are less than 20 comments on their post after 24 hours of posting it. They panic, they rant, they force others to comment, they sulk if you don't and what not. All they need is numbers. They write same kind of stuff each time; they even expect same kind of praises each time. If you criticize them, they will sulk even more! So people, just post good comments about them and you have a sure shot nagging follower forever!

"I don't know what are you talking about" ones - Well i didn't feel like using the term dumb here; as they never admit that they are dumb. But these people do not understand the simplest form of a post. Most of the time, they will leave a question mark, or they will take your funny post seriously, they will take your sarcastic remark as a compliment and in the end, you look like a fool!

Well people, here at KickAss, we have decided to kick the ass of people who bother us, but writing it down has been worse than getting our ass kicked; for I had to praise them all over again! And this is a sarcastic remark guys. Hope you have understood it this time!

N.B. You are welcome to wonder which category houses the talented proprietors of this blog, and are allowed to think aloud too. But whether it is advisable to do so... don't ask me!

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Compliments!

Hello people, welcome to KickAss - the jakkas blog. Well it has been quite a few days since we started this blog, but the first post was not getting kick started for a long time. And the co-author of this blog has been hiding under the covers claiming she is going through the so called writer's blog! Will anybody in one's right mind believe that? But why am I mentioning here here? Well the reason behind this post is indeed Guria. Well read on and find out!

I am sure most of you love compliments; people commenting on your clothes, accessories, features, height and what not! After receiving all those compliments, how confident we become, right? Ah! wish it worked with me too the same way. I am pathetic at taking compliments. They embarrass me so much that I wish, "kash abhi ye dharti fat jaaye aur me usme sama jau"! Too cliched but so very true for me.

It so happens that G always showers me with compliments! I am damn sure she was madly in love with me in our last birth. I would have been a flirt, usko dhoka diya hoga and in this birth she is taking a revenge on me! Why revenge? For she very well knows how pathetic I am at taking compliments, how much they trouble me, how I run to hide from them. But she still does not stop!

Now since this morning, G has started a new wish-list on her fan page. And her first wish is:

If I were a man........ #1 I'd wish Neti was not married ;)

Actually, I want to thank god for her block; if not for the block, she would have written a whole post on this!

I think it all seems pretty odd to you guys na, that I don't like compliments? I can give you a good example for this. Once I had been to a party with my husband. There we met his ex girlfriend. She complimented me saying my husband is a lucky guy as I was his wife. I replied, "Really?"

Poor my husband M; he got so embarrassed, leaving me even more embarrassed! So please people*, stop throwing your compliments at me. Shoot me if you hate me so much, but please spare me from this!

* People = G

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