I Wish Opinion was not for free!!!

My current facebook status message says:

The ability to speak does not make you intelligent!

And this got me thinking. This is not the first time I have updated a normal status message that people have made controversial, ego issue or taken personally. Well, I am quite used to it by now; bu don't you think I am entitled to my opinion?

The status message point is a small one. In fact I quite enjoy the comments I get on those - they are witty, provoking, irritating, aggressive as well as interesting. Each one expresses one's own opinion. That's democracy right? Then why are we questioned for updating what we want to?

We all express our opinion different ways. sometimes through status messages, sometimes through a post and sometimes through comments. But these days we mistake opinion with bashing. I am merely a year old on blogger, but it is a well known fact around that if you write a post about your opinion, people will take it personally and bash you left-right-center.

The irony is that many people do not even bother to read what you have written! They will read the first few lines, last few lines and couple of comments; that's all. and they fight with you for the point you have not even mentioned indirectly or minutely!

I can link ten such posts here - mine and others' - whereby the author has been given free advice he/she never even asked for. But this place is purely for the purpose of kicking ass rather than giving free publicity to anybody.

Most of the times, people give their opinion on about something which is not their genre or field. I blog because I want your feedback; I blog because I am ready to take appreciation as well as criticism; but I do not blog to take your frustration. If you do not like my opinion; either you should not leave a comment there or unleash your anger on your blog rather than provoking my regular readers or shooing them away!

There are times when people comment negative on others' opinion and blast them in the case where either their ego is hurt due to the brutal honesty published by the author; or they are guilty of the crime. If you fit into none of these categories; then simply comment why you agree or disagree. You have no right to comment on one's credibility at all.

And those personal comments! People do not like personal questions being asked to them; but they will always try to know what are your vacation plans, how many kids you have, when did you have a break up etc. all.

Now after reading this post; they will say why do I blog if I cannot tolerate their comments? Well, this post is not about me at all. It is my general observation. By grace of God, I have been blessed with wonderful readers who read my blog and leave a "normal" comment. But I know a few people who write normal stuff, but they get s#!t comments on their simple posts.

I wish bloggers would at least read the post first rather than reading first or last line only. Don't believe me? Then check my latest post - Taking Shortcuts! You will find many people commenting only on the last line. What do you think about those?

PS: Hope you guys do read this post entirely rather than reading this post script first and then the last paragraph. I would like to know your views about the entire topic and not merely on the last paragraph.

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How to become famous – 10 ways

Hey people! I am sure the last post was way too sweet as per the regular standrads of KickAss; for it did not go well with the theme. But it was about 6 amazing fiction writers; and they all deserved the special mention; thus Shrikant allowed Guria to go ahead with the post. And now I have been held at gun point to write another KickAss post.

My post on Neha’s Blog was blessed with a lot of limelight due to various reasons. After almost a year of blogging; I realised that receiving 100+ comments is not a difficult task at all. In fact; it is the simple most thing to do. Just follow few simple rules:

1) Choose the topic that has some kind of discriminating factor.

2) Blog hop a lot and leave an “over the board” comment on others’ post. They are bound to visit your page after you have left many praises on their post. If the post favours them, they will praise you back and may add you in their follow list. If they hated your post, they will leave an anonymous comment.

3) Agree with your readers. But ask them questions. They will come back and reply again. The number and length of comments will keep on increasing.

4) Do not write a new post for next seven days.

5) Publish your post at all possible networking sites.

6) After three days, once the traffic starts decreasing; blog hop again, leave a nice comment, call the blog owner intelligent, leave your post link and ask for his views on it.

7) After another day, follow step two again.

8) Next day, follow step three.

9) All this while, you only keep posting anonymous comment on your post that is opposing and replying to others. Enjoy the game being played among your readers.

10) In those seven days, think about your second topic and mention it in bold and capital letters in your comment form and other social networking sites.

Do this exercise. I am sure you will get more than 100 unique hits per day. Activate Adsense and earn money. Moreover, you will be considered as one of the finest bloggers. Additionally; add all your commentors as your facebook friends. Now you are secured that they will always come back and read your post and comment out of friendship.

This is just my general observation about this strange blgoworld. I did not follow any of these rules for my post. Thus I got a very furious response for the same. My ability to understand law was questioned too. I made a mistake. I did not follow these 10 golden rules. But it is never to late.

PS: The title of this post is “inspired” by the movie – How to lose a guy in Ten days. I am specifically mentioning it here as I do not want people to accuse me of copyright infringement.

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KickAss in Demand!

Two months, three authors and one writer - KickAss is going pretty strong people! Few wonderful souls keep providing us with non-stop massala so that we can function round the clock and entertain you. Popularity does not depend on numbers here. We are popular as people (read our regular punching bag) want to join the management of KickAss.

According to that people; with him on the board, we will be a much stronger force! My my, we are not looking for "weight" here. We are only looking for scapegoats; and that "people" already qualifies here. So Mister, you are very much a part of KickAss; even if you call your male servant - maid. We do need you around sir as you are ossumly wuu huu!

People (now I am addressing all of you), if you are on facebook; you would be aware about the "Like" option there whereby you can simply click it if you find a post, a status or an application likable or amusing. but certain Mr. PB has a discriminating opinion about it. He claims that girls keep pressing the "like" button everywhere! Ummmm, our punching bag has a competition here. Why? Well, as per this PB Theory, whoever presses the like button is a girl! Do we have another set of dudettes in making guys?

But meri tragedy dekhiye! I am supposed to be the good author here - the white one; and G is the evil - the Black one and our very own Crap Master (CM) is balancing us with his Grey cells! Still people (now read Madhu) call me Neha Full of Trix. Sigh! Tell me what am I supposed to do with two of the co-authors doing nothing here. So whatever i write becomes a trick. One side I am full of Trix and the other side I am velli.

Velli reminds me that our Marshal is planning and plotting something against KickAss author/s. "My evil mind is at work" he so claims. It is going to be great for KickAss any which ways; for we are hungry for more publicity. I can even introduce Rakhi CM Sawant here if we are becoming famous. So all of you; bring it all you want to. WE WANT FAME!

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Wazz up Dudette!!!

Happy New year people! We at KickAss are a bit slow and too lazy to come up with a new post very frequently. But whenever we do, we assure you that you will for sure pray that our laziness should get extended for lifetime. At least one person after reading this post title will surely think so. And he will abandon KickAss forever after reading this post. Quite a few of you would have understood whom I am talking about. For the rest let me introduce you to Sid aka Ravan - our Hero for this post for now.

Ravan always has all the latest news and info about the happenings in the blogsphere. The latest development that happened a couple of days back was the gender change of Ms. Vipul the Marshal.

And as always; Ravan was the first one to give us this news. No wonder he is climbing the ladder of success so fast. And just look at his modesty, even though he has his own domain now; he still calls his blog the Science of Stupidity.

Sir Ravan, teach us something please!

See I am so hopeless that I can't even come up with my own lines.

And now comes the Marshal - who has an uninterrupted brain due to which he comes up with ossum (ah, I am learning a bit Ravanji) ideas for Blog-a-Ton each month. Now this time, he has come up with an image, and the blog-a-tonics have to come up with a post keeping in mind the theme of that image. Such brains are around that they came up with different kinda posts based on the egg-figure image.

If I had participated in BAT, I would have written:

77+1 True Story of a Tomato Soul

People, welcome to 25th century. I am the soul of the tomato that was used by the human egg to colour this painting. And my wife Pencil could not see this happening to me. So she sacrificed our kid - the fevicol too and applied it on the ass of this human egg. The egg got permanently stuck to that chair and she drew a line between the chair and my grave!

Warm Regards - Tomato Fida Hussain

Now do you agree Mr. Madhu why I do not participate in BAT? I am not intelligent like you guys to come up with a post on paintings. And after reading this, I guess I am going to lose my first client of the new year. Yesterday only he told me that I am going to represent him in the court of law if need be. Sigh! Stupid me.

Moreover, I am going to be sued by people whom I have given a respectful space in my post. But Please sue Ste; for he started the page - waat lagao, sabki bajao - and inspired me to come up with this write up. Do read his post. Then you will hate me less. And he has only mentioned me there. I do not have anything to do with that post of his!

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This post is about YOU!

Hello Bloggers, as promised, KickAss is here with a post on you people! Errrrrr, should i warn you guys first? OK, read this post only if you have the guts to face what most of you; or rather us are! So many times few of us have written indirect and sarcastic posts on bloggers; but we still see them coming back to us. They are slightly dumb to get the point as they fail to understand our sarcastic tone. Oh am I sounding rude? Well at least this time you have got it right. So I am hoping that you get the post too and find out (if I am so fortunate) which category you belong to and try to change (I know, I have got high hopes about you!).

One important thing I would like to add - I am not going to categorize anybody on the basis of how good or bad they write. The intentions are just to mention about those bloggers who do not preach what they practice!

Not at all wanted nutters - We all have them around us! They are usually hidden under the covers of "Anonymous" identity. You give them one opportunity, and they will attack you from all the possible angles; whether relevant or not. If your post is about how pretty the girls are or how to patao them, and the reader happens to be a gay; then he will abuse you left right center under anonymous identity! Phew, chill dude or dudette whoever; give yourself and us a break! Chill! If I have the guts to post straight things; then why are you hiding yours?Oh by the way; here at KickAss, we have a policy - we will not publish anonymous comments. So don't waste your time and our space please!

Showing off ones - You will find these people always talking about brands! No no, not about their knowledge about those brands; but what all brands they own; what cars they drive, where all they travel and how etc. etc. In short, they are the most conceited creatures around blogsphere (no offense meant Mr. Hedonist!). So people, I don't care if you own a Louis Vuitton bag or a Cross Pen, Mercedes Benz or a Ferrari (contact me if you own this car; I am ready to be adopted); but do not disclose such things on your blog! Nobody is interested in reading those things.

Crazy for Comments - These people will die of a shock if there are less than 20 comments on their post after 24 hours of posting it. They panic, they rant, they force others to comment, they sulk if you don't and what not. All they need is numbers. They write same kind of stuff each time; they even expect same kind of praises each time. If you criticize them, they will sulk even more! So people, just post good comments about them and you have a sure shot nagging follower forever!

"I don't know what are you talking about" ones - Well i didn't feel like using the term dumb here; as they never admit that they are dumb. But these people do not understand the simplest form of a post. Most of the time, they will leave a question mark, or they will take your funny post seriously, they will take your sarcastic remark as a compliment and in the end, you look like a fool!

Well people, here at KickAss, we have decided to kick the ass of people who bother us, but writing it down has been worse than getting our ass kicked; for I had to praise them all over again! And this is a sarcastic remark guys. Hope you have understood it this time!

N.B. You are welcome to wonder which category houses the talented proprietors of this blog, and are allowed to think aloud too. But whether it is advisable to do so... don't ask me!

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Not so Complimentary!

Is it possible to have best friends in a virtual world?

Or you can say we are just lucky!

Neti and I (this coming live from Guria's hang-out... yeah, I am a geek, I hang out with my computer, you mind?) have this fascination with people, sometimes critical, sometimes lavish... but an opinion we always have. Hence, KickAss. Our pet blog.

Here we are going to take refuge in unity while ranting.

Even though we both are *pretty* good fiction writers, our favourite characters are the real ones we see, hear and of course, read about every day, and we observe.

Seeking refuge in being a pair writing and owning this blog, we are here to bash brains and kick ass! So are you upto it? Got the guts?

Okay, Neti is the nice one in here and I'm the bad one, that's already as good as chiseled by the last few sentences. But then Neti is actually the nicest one. Few may know I had loved (and lost) her in my last life. Not the one as created by Facebook or from Pichle Janam ke Raaz (or whatever) but really... because that is the only way she can define my over-the-board compliments. But coming back to the point, Neti is really the best-est individual with the gold-iest heart that I know. and she really hates attention on to her. 

Oh, she puts on a very "I'm rude and I'm sarcastic" mask of bravado, keeping people confused but I can always see her squirming!

When I type, "u r sexy! ;)"

She types back, "hahahaha" and after a pause a very formal "Thank you :)"... Good manners kick in!

Well, she does have great legs, and I don't have to be male to notice those, but completely comatose, with all nerve-connections cut-off and on a ventilator not to!!

Rest of the time she is typing "U r madddddd"...

I mean she'll rant "I dont write well", "I wish it could have been better" and this-blah and that-blah, and when I very honestly say "u r one of d best writers arnd" and I immediately become 'biased n madddd'

Now she knows I'm the Sarcastic Butter Queen, meaning I am best at concocting a damn potent cocktail of over-the-top but not-untrue compliments with dash of subtle sarcasm. And no one knows it better than her. But still she has problem digesting anything and everything nicey-nice said about her.

At first I used to think she's like me. I love being coy and modest, it fetches more compliments you know, but no, she seriously loathes them. So, when I know my compliments can have such pivotal effect (Neti looks so pretty when she is red), I understand it's being put to good, nei great use, and hence showering compliments it is, my other pet hobby!

Finally she has come up with, "I don't trust ur judgment any more.... u r too partial"

But I guess, actually she was relieved. When she learned for sure that I have no bi-sexual or heterosexual tendencies. 

I do love her. She is my dearest friend.

There's no reason why one shouldn't believe me... Thank God I'm not a man, then no one would have. ;)

Image Courtesy: blogs.csuchico.edu

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Compliments!

Hello people, welcome to KickAss - the jakkas blog. Well it has been quite a few days since we started this blog, but the first post was not getting kick started for a long time. And the co-author of this blog has been hiding under the covers claiming she is going through the so called writer's blog! Will anybody in one's right mind believe that? But why am I mentioning here here? Well the reason behind this post is indeed Guria. Well read on and find out!

I am sure most of you love compliments; people commenting on your clothes, accessories, features, height and what not! After receiving all those compliments, how confident we become, right? Ah! wish it worked with me too the same way. I am pathetic at taking compliments. They embarrass me so much that I wish, "kash abhi ye dharti fat jaaye aur me usme sama jau"! Too cliched but so very true for me.

It so happens that G always showers me with compliments! I am damn sure she was madly in love with me in our last birth. I would have been a flirt, usko dhoka diya hoga and in this birth she is taking a revenge on me! Why revenge? For she very well knows how pathetic I am at taking compliments, how much they trouble me, how I run to hide from them. But she still does not stop!

Now since this morning, G has started a new wish-list on her fan page. And her first wish is:

If I were a man........ #1 I'd wish Neti was not married ;)

Actually, I want to thank god for her block; if not for the block, she would have written a whole post on this!

I think it all seems pretty odd to you guys na, that I don't like compliments? I can give you a good example for this. Once I had been to a party with my husband. There we met his ex girlfriend. She complimented me saying my husband is a lucky guy as I was his wife. I replied, "Really?"

Poor my husband M; he got so embarrassed, leaving me even more embarrassed! So please people*, stop throwing your compliments at me. Shoot me if you hate me so much, but please spare me from this!

* People = G

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